My Biggest Adversary is Myself: Breaking the Cycle of Self-Sabotage
Written by Sandra Avelli
Over the years, I’ve come to realize that my greatest obstacle hasn’t been bad luck, lack of opportunity, or even other people- it’s been me. Time and time again, I’ve watched myself self-sabotage potential successes, relationships, and personal growth. This realization made me sit back and really ask: Why?
Why would anyone knowingly create obstacles in their own path? Why do we sometimes ignore warning signs, listen to the limiting beliefs in our heads, or procrastinate until opportunities slip away? For me, the answer wasn’t simple, but it was honest: I was scared. Scared of failing, scared of being seen trying, scared of not being enough.
Fitness: The Fear of Being Seen Trying
There was a time when I’d skip workouts - not because I was lazy, but because I was terrified of failing publicly. I ‘d imagine people at the gym judging my form, my body or my lack of progress. Sometimes it felt safer to stay home and do nothing than to risk being seen trying and not being good enough. Looking back, I see that my self-sabotage wasn’t a lack of motivation- it was about a fear of being vulnerable in front of others.
2. Relationships: Pushing People Away Before They Can Leave
In relationships, I often found myself nitpicking or starting arguments over small things. I would even confom to the idea of who someone “wanted” me to be or the idea of what that looked like, not allowing them to know who I really am for fear of disappointing them. It took me years to realize I was sabotaging my own happiness. Deep down, I was afraid of being abandoned or not being enough, so I’d push people away before they had a chance to hurt me. It was easier to be the one who left first, rather than risk the pain of being left behind.
3. Success/Progress: The Comfort of Familiar Failure
Whenever I got close to something big- whether it was a promotion, a creative project, or a personal goal- I’d suddenly lose momentum. I’d procrastinate, miss deadlines, or convince myself I wasn’t ready. Success felt unfamiliar and scary, while failure was a place I knew well. I realized I was sabotaging my own progress because, on some level, I believed I didn’t deserve to succeed, or I was afraid of what would come next if I did.
4. The Common Thread: Self-Protection Masquerading as Self-Sabotage
Looking back, I see that my self-sabotage was never about laziness or lack of willpower. It was my mind’s misguided way of protecting me from disappointment, rejection, or change. But in trying to shield myself, I was keeping myself small and stuck. The first step to breaking the cycle was admitting to myself that I was scared- and it was okay to be scared.
So, how does one conquer the adversary within?
First, admit and acknowledge the problem exists within you.
Second, piece by piece, start removing those negative influences and habits as you see them pop up.
Third, build a strong accountability and support system outside of yourself- people you can be authentic with, who truly want the best for you, and will call you out when you’re playing small.
Self-sabotage isn’t a flaw- it’s a signal. It’s your mind’s way of telling you where you feel unsafe or unworthy. The real work is learning to listen with compassion, and then gently challenging those old stories, one brave step at a time.
There’s my TED talk for today, kids.
Stay strong, friends. You’re not alone in this.
If you’d like to reflect on your own experiences, here are some prompts to get you started:
-When was the last time you noticed yourself self-sabotaging? What were you afraid of?
-What’s one small, brave step you can take today to challenge an old story or limiting belief?
-Who in your life can you reach out to for support or accountability?
Remember: You’re meant for more! Don’t let your inner adversary keep you from the life you deserve.
If you’d like more resources or ideas on overcoming self-sabotage, check out the following articles and book:
Breaking the Cycle: How to Stop Self Sabotaging for Good
Why we Sabotage Ourselves (and how to break free)
The Psychology of Self-Sabotage: Understanding Your Inner Critic
The Mountain is You- Brianna Weist